Hello. My name is Audrey Autumn; or atleast it will be on this blog, because I am not ready to go public with how my life has changed in the past one and a half years or so. I will start the story now.
September 2005, I started dating someone named Liam*. (Not actually his name.) This was my second serious boyfriend, as well as the second person I had sex with. We had only been dating for about a month at the time, but near the end of September and beginning of October we had sex. The first time was magical, and I was quite happy about it. The second time last a bit long and I ended up going through a lot of pain. The day after we had sex again, I noticed I was getting very red down there. I became very worried and frightened. The redness turn into blister-like bumps, and I was almost positive I had something.
After doing much research, mostly google searches and such; I came to the conclusion that it had to be genital herpes. I was suffering from all the symtoms, I veiwed some pictures, and it looked similiar although not as severe as some of the pictures. Considering me and Chris were not far into our relationship, it was somewhat difficult bringing it up with him. I somewhat beat around the bush. I knew he has only been with one other girl, but I definatly did not know who that other girl had been with. It was his best friends sister, and I had heard she'd been with a lot of people and she was a "slut". Not too good to hear.
It got to a point where I knew I needed to say something. I started off the conversation by asking, "Were you ever tested after having sex with Matt's* sister?" I think he could tell I sounded upset, he told me he hadn't but that he would if it would make me feel more comfortable. I then decided the next day I needed to go the doctor. I needed to know, because it was driving me crazy and I was full of anxiety and stress.
The next day, my friend Samantha* walked to the clinic with me. I went up to the counter, said I needed to see a doctor and then I sat down and waited anxiously to get called in. When the doctor came out; a middle-aged, Asian man, I started to get nervous and as I walked in it was obvious I was embarassed. I knew I needed to know, and I would just have to spare my embarassment.
When I got into the room I just explained everything to the doctor. I told him that I had sex with my boyfriend and noticed there was irritation everywhere and he told me he would need to look at it. He took me into another room and gave me a gown. He went out well I took off my pants and came back in a few minutes later. He looked at it, with a disgusted look on his face but kind of jokingly, and told me that it just looked like ingrown hairs or something, but there was a possibility they were genital herpes. I just went out thinking they were ingrown hairs, wishful thinking I'm guessing.
Around the time, I had strange bumps around my hips, like little bubbles underneath my skin on top of my muscles. I was worried because when I was young I had a hernia, and I thought maybe I had got another one. I visited my family doctor, and she told me they were swollen lymph nodes. I learned later that was another symptom of genital herpes, but I did not make the connection at the time.
A year and a half went by, and the irritation hadn't reoccured, and I'd read when you first get genital herpes, you have 1-6 outbreaks in the first year.
However, about a week ago, I noticed it was very painful to urinate, and a few days later, I got the bumps again. Today, I looked in the mirror and I could see the swelling of one of my lymp nodes. Last night, I thought long and hard about it. I know I should go to the clinic and get them to take a test and send it in to get tested. Although, I'm fearful to know. I am positive I have it though.
So what now? When I realized that there is basically a 99.9999% chance that I most definatly do have it, I had many concerns.
My first concern was that I wouldn't be able to make love to anyone. But then I realized, I have since I probably got genital herpes! Which means there's a possibility I have past it on to every person I have slept with since Chris. That is five people. I cannot believe it. The thought of not being able to have sex is really depressing from me. Alright, you probably are judging me as a huge whore now, but sex is very important between people, or atleast I believe so. WOW. She thinks that and she has an STD. I know. It's terrible really. I know it's not like it's rare, and people out there have it. Hey, I've heard lots of people in Australia have it; which is wear I plan on living when I'm older. But what if I meet someone, and we fall in love, and then we're about to do the deed, "I have genital herpes, sorry." I know there is a lesser chance to pass it on when you are not experiencing an outbreak or the syptoms, but it's still possible; and I need to take the precautions.
Another concern I have, is that I need to tell all the people that I've slept with INCLUDING the person I'm guessing gave it to me. Which has a girlfriend whom he's having sex with now. Ugh. It's just so stressful. AND disgusting. I'm embarassed, it would be unbelievably hard for me to tell someone.
Then I thought harder about it, if I let it ruin me; it most certaintly will. I need to be stronger. I know there are worse STD's out there. I need to realize, life is not all about sex. I can still follow my dreams, been the genuine, funny, outgoing person I am. If I do happen to meet someone who truly loves me, they will not care. If they plan to spend the rest of their life with me, they would accept it. However, I would never expect anyone to put themselves in the position to have something this terrible.
All I know right now is, there's a possibility I have it, and I need to do what needs to be done and get to the bottom of this. I am going to see a doctor ASAP.
